is anybody listening?

warning : excessive personal post containing thoughts and opinions you might find unsuited for. 

First of all, writing decently for the blog seems to be as hard as trying to do my homework. Except for the context that blogging is more of a word play of what i have in mind. So be lucky enough that tonight i’m actually doing a full post. 

I came to read blogs; well really. I don’t write much, but i travelled from blog to blog everyday. That sudden urge to write on my own pops,because too many materials tried to fit this tiny brain of mine. Then they vanished when i click the ‘Add New Post’ button.  That fear of “what if anybody found my writing offensive” and “what if they starts chirping about the thoughts i wrote” etc etc. But for all the nonsense, the horse shits i’ve encountered up til now (and the little “Just write.” quotation on the dashboard really helps), i reached to the tip and say to myself : who gives them a flying fuck.  

Starts off with “how do you do? ”  I am always confused with the term “how do you do”. Such pointless question, where it is meant to be answered with another “how do you do” . Come to think of it, it doesn’t really answer your question like “how are you?” or “how’s life been?”. Maybe “how do you do” is  created to conceal our own living status, not answering the question and just  questioning back. Quite a trick.

How do you do, over there? I know the barriers are just too much. You’ve been  busy with new life, new atmosphere and surroundings. I have been undeniably ignorant, disappointing, and full of myself. There is nobody left to blame amongst us. It’s hard to watch how cold this feeling has been, but is it possible to bring it back the way it used to be? You’ve moved on, you’re steps steps steps ahead me. And i have become nothing but one of your good memories. I don’t really expect us to return to the old, but at least, i think the level of ignorance we have is enough. Cause if this continues, i am all but sure about how this will collides. I’ve had enough of people came and go about in my life, and it doesn’t ring as a good idea.

Truthfully, i am happy that you are engrossed with your days. At the same time, i felt the less of a person that matters to you anymore. Did I changed? Did you changed? Did people around you speaks words of me that changes your perspectives about me? Well you know what? They lied. The only thing i have ever thought about you was “I MISS YOU” . nothing more nothing less. Even after the pain that you scarred on that very night, on the passenger seat, missing you is something i bear to myself. Reality check : sometimes i cried, shocked by the reality of how you take me as. I often asked myself  “What have i possibly done wrong?”, then i realized that that question is the same as a “how do you do?”.  And maybe ever since then, i did become the more ignorant me. Ignorance is deadly, ignorance is painful, ignorance is sometimes the only way to be safe from the scars.

-i’ll be alright. just not tonight.

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3 comments

  1. im always · May 26, 2011

    i know i am.. well not listening per se :) its not enjoyable listening to blogs.

    whats ur problem anyway, your boyfriend left you?

  2. Reading here... =] · May 29, 2011

    I’m having this problem also,with one of my friends….
    It’s so true that the answer is just like ‘How do you do’ =(
    I think all of this come from ourselves.It’s our choice whether we want to step back and keep on gueesing,asking ourselves and try to move on with this feeling nagging us, or you can just be a shame-less person and end everything…
    =(
    Unfortunately, I’m also one of that coward who thinks that everything may have to roll like this,convince ourselves that we are fine when actually we r not….

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