I Know I’m Worth It

Everybody has got some bad days every now and then. Today seems to be one of those day for me. In a scale 1 to 10 probably 9,5. I almost broke down and gave up to things. I don’t know, probably I just took for granted all the blessings God showered on me lately; that I’m stumbling about on little pebbles after a long smooth road.

Life in a customer service line is not easy. I knew this fact since I stepped on the first day of internship, and I knew I had a lot to learn in the period. After months and months of training/practicing, I started to grab a sense of how things work. I fucked up once and another few times, but I didn’t want to quit yet. I blamed my reckless self  and wanted to show more of what I am capable of; and that I could learn from mistakes. Today was just another day of my internship when I learned a big lesson from my mistake. Bearing the consequences of mistake made is one, but the thought of how I disappointed my customer really breaks my heart. Even worse, knowing there’s nothing I can do to fix my mistake/recklessness doubled the edge of insecurity. I wasn’t guilty as charged, but you know that feeling when you made one mistake and you just feel like surrendering everything. And there’s the other thing, my colleagues helped me along, and I feel very very grateful and guilty at the same time to have them do so.

My homeroom teacher in high school once told Mum : “She underestimates things often. That might be dangerous in the future.” How lucky was I to be told so bluntly about what my weakness is? And breaking news, I am still trying to fold in the side of me self that sees things in such carefree manner up until today. Everyday, it brings new courses of joy/sorrow/laugh/tears, and because we are humans, we learn new things and lessons of life from it. We will forever carry the history of mistakes made, so as not to repeat the same tragedy once and for all.

I hate acknowledging the fact that I was a wimp for a few hours back then, thinking of how easy it would be if I just wave my white flag gave it all up.. But what do I do once I gave up? Will I learn anything from giving up? Will I be content of running away from harsh times? How do I face myself when I ask myself those questions? It’s a circle of fear that ends up in nothing but one cliché answer; DO NOT GIVE UP. Hell, no. I am not backing out just because of one, two, three, or ninety nine mistakes when I have still so much to learn and absorb from them. I’ve come so far.. I really have.

I sat on the bus back home with earplugs and steered off the world.  Off all things my iPod shuffled Jason’s I Wont Give Up in my head. Humming softly saying not to give up. Just don’t. I had some wild tears that slid down burning my cheeks and felt a lump clogging my throat. This is what I need, I said to myself. I need to stop nagging and find some strength in believing things will be fine eventually and God will always shed some light upon me. Jason saved me today from feeling desperately lonely and hopeless. And I am grateful to have him and God to look up to at all time.

When I look back up to the archives of this blog, I will have a record of tough times I had in my precious experience. I will laugh at myself for being stupidly worrisome. I will cringe at some grammatical mistakes I made while typing this post in 3AM blind morning. And I will feel proud of myself for being able to tell myself that in the end I am worth it.

“I don’t want to be someone who walks away so easily. I’m here to make the difference that I can made.”

“We had to learn, how to bend, without the world caving in. I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m not, and who I am.”

-God knows I’m tough, He knows. 

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