Breathe and Let Go

It’s so very hard to let go. It’s so very hard to get over the ugly situation that has happened. It’s so very hard not to blame ourselves on mistakes and clumsiness. It’s so very hard to get a grip on the reality which is “now”. It’s so very hard to stop hurting every time the flashback came like a ghost haunting and weighing down the weary soul. Then I paused and let my sore heart ache for a while. I cursed in my mind and tried to be grateful of my present now. I let myself drowned in the “hard” part.

But it’s not impossible; to move forward, to learn from the past and to breathe again.

Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I’ll breathe again. I will soon. 

Advertisements

In +ness We Trust.

Ah, life is wonderful.
I’ve been reading numerous blogs and inspirational writings lately. All provoked by reading the old journal of Freshness Factor Five Thousand. I have also subscribed to receive daily inspirational emails from The Daily Love and The Universe. Yepsie, an email from universe. :)

Jump to the present, weathers and too many fritters crashed my immune system the last few days. Remember when you were in school, and when you feel like you’re gonna get sick soon, you did all you can to make the sickness really occured. Just so you can skip class with a legit reason. Then you will get an awesome day off curled up in bed, eating chocolates and watching movies behind mthe sheets. Plus if Mum is in prime mood, be prepared to be pampered. Oh joy. That is probably not the case for myself this moment. I wish I can still do that though. I wish I can still act sick and try to convince Mum that I am too sick for school/work. But life revolves. More importantly; WORK revolves. After almost 20 years in this world, I can honestly say now I hate being sick. I hate thinking that I need to go a doctor to get a legit reason for skipping work. And I need fo pay for it. Blergh.

So no matter how clogged up my nose or how my body ache when I woke up today, I told myself “You are gonna get up. You are gonna go to work like a boss. Okay not a boss. Like an employee of the month. And you’re gonna feel better by the end of the day. So suck it up.”  And so I did go to work, feeling slightly drowsy and lightheaded. I passed by the day repeating the mantra and here I am, resting on the couch and hoping tomorrow the sickness will finally begone. Still snorting here and there, but eventually it will all be good. I shall be able to jump around like a happy kid again tomorrow morning. I am infusing all the positive thoughts in my head as I am typing because you know what? Nothing beats good thoughts and positive vibes. What I am is what I think. If I am to think I will be fine tomorrow, what power in the universe that can stop me from being healthy and joyous? I should feel good just by knowing I’m breathing, walking and speaking my thoughts. . It’s just a few days of headaches and kinky nose to put up with.

Alright I’m off to bed right now. May the power of snoozing and positive thoughts wakes me up fresh and dandy tomorrow. Many loves for ya. :)

– Thoughts become things..choose good ones! (The Universe)

I Know I’m Worth It

Everybody has got some bad days every now and then. Today seems to be one of those day for me. In a scale 1 to 10 probably 9,5. I almost broke down and gave up to things. I don’t know, probably I just took for granted all the blessings God showered on me lately; that I’m stumbling about on little pebbles after a long smooth road.

Life in a customer service line is not easy. I knew this fact since I stepped on the first day of internship, and I knew I had a lot to learn in the period. After months and months of training/practicing, I started to grab a sense of how things work. I fucked up once and another few times, but I didn’t want to quit yet. I blamed my reckless self  and wanted to show more of what I am capable of; and that I could learn from mistakes. Today was just another day of my internship when I learned a big lesson from my mistake. Bearing the consequences of mistake made is one, but the thought of how I disappointed my customer really breaks my heart. Even worse, knowing there’s nothing I can do to fix my mistake/recklessness doubled the edge of insecurity. I wasn’t guilty as charged, but you know that feeling when you made one mistake and you just feel like surrendering everything. And there’s the other thing, my colleagues helped me along, and I feel very very grateful and guilty at the same time to have them do so.

My homeroom teacher in high school once told Mum : “She underestimates things often. That might be dangerous in the future.” How lucky was I to be told so bluntly about what my weakness is? And breaking news, I am still trying to fold in the side of me self that sees things in such carefree manner up until today. Everyday, it brings new courses of joy/sorrow/laugh/tears, and because we are humans, we learn new things and lessons of life from it. We will forever carry the history of mistakes made, so as not to repeat the same tragedy once and for all.

I hate acknowledging the fact that I was a wimp for a few hours back then, thinking of how easy it would be if I just wave my white flag gave it all up.. But what do I do once I gave up? Will I learn anything from giving up? Will I be content of running away from harsh times? How do I face myself when I ask myself those questions? It’s a circle of fear that ends up in nothing but one cliché answer; DO NOT GIVE UP. Hell, no. I am not backing out just because of one, two, three, or ninety nine mistakes when I have still so much to learn and absorb from them. I’ve come so far.. I really have.

I sat on the bus back home with earplugs and steered off the world.  Off all things my iPod shuffled Jason’s I Wont Give Up in my head. Humming softly saying not to give up. Just don’t. I had some wild tears that slid down burning my cheeks and felt a lump clogging my throat. This is what I need, I said to myself. I need to stop nagging and find some strength in believing things will be fine eventually and God will always shed some light upon me. Jason saved me today from feeling desperately lonely and hopeless. And I am grateful to have him and God to look up to at all time.

When I look back up to the archives of this blog, I will have a record of tough times I had in my precious experience. I will laugh at myself for being stupidly worrisome. I will cringe at some grammatical mistakes I made while typing this post in 3AM blind morning. And I will feel proud of myself for being able to tell myself that in the end I am worth it.

“I don’t want to be someone who walks away so easily. I’m here to make the difference that I can made.”

“We had to learn, how to bend, without the world caving in. I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m not, and who I am.”

-God knows I’m tough, He knows. 

Ocean of Diarrhea

Few things you will need to know about this post;

1. I am not having any sort of diarrhea.

2. I am having my monthly period.

3,. I am being overly sensitive and cranky.

4. Will go back to Medan for 8 days next week.

5. London Heathrow Lost & Found emailed me back 10 days after I last replied them.

6. They found my lost blackberry.

7. I just bought a new blackberry 2 days ago.

I refuse to think of this matter any longer. Hitting the sack.

-Crushed. 

Hello, Greedy Alter Ego.

image

Today is 17th of April. ALREADY. Time is definitely trolling me. The days when I waited for this holiday to come seems like forever and ever, but the holiday really passed in a flash. I am beyond grateful to have the opportunity to travel. But I can’t help to sustain the feeling of not having enough, not long enough, not seen enough. The greediness is creeping behind my back and weigh my shoulder to return to reality. The reality where sunny Singapore awaits me with tons of works follow up and possibly troubles (?).

Beside the wonderful days I had, i also had a hiccup on the beginning of my trip. I lost my Blackberry in London Heathrow Airport. Words cannot describe what I felt when i found out I lost it. It was not the first time, not the second time, not the third time. It was the fourth time i lost my phone. The history should record me as ‘the dedicated clumsy girl’. In all four times, it happens in the same way. I either left it unattended somewhere, or simply forget it. Not once (or as far as I’m concerned), was the phone taken of force by somebody else. I literally put the phone somewhere for public usage. So other people can take the free gift they luckily found there. I have tried emailing the airport’s lost and found section. Wish they reply sooner and maybe if I am still siding with goddess of fortune, i can get back my phone. If not, all the hassle of changing my phone number again and again… Ugh.

So mad of myself that I just really can’t configure if there’s any good side left in me. What makes me more frustrated of myself, Dad wasn’t even mad at me. He simply asked me to buy a new one, or just use his other phone. Which brings me to the newest level of greediness. I want to still use Blackberry. Because Mum is waiting everyday for me to chat with her, and also all my familiar friends are using the oh-so-convenient Blackberry Messenger. On the other hand, I am in love using Dad’s Android phone while I was on the trip. The endless possibilities of applications and all the things Blackberry cannot manage to fit into. Plus i can go online on skype with dad at anytime. This is like letting me choose between Dad or Mum..

What makes people so greedy?
I suppose it is the will to have power over a lot of different subjects/objects drives people irrational. It is like those superhero movies we saw when the bad guys tried to conquer or rule the world. Probably that is the highest order of greed, evolving from the simplest wish to have more of this, more of that, and finally all of them. But I truly believe we have the power to quench the greed inside of ourself. It all depends on how you set the bar of life, just not too high, not too low, simply be modest and be what you are.

Writing this post really helps me to think clearly and decide. I am who I am and i should be grateful of what I am intended to be. I make mistakes.. I might still be clumsy and feeble, and who knows if I will lost my phone again in the future. But I do know I had enough of my clumsy self and will genuinely try to change and have myself more conscious of the surroundings. I really hope to.
Okay just pouring out all the #unhappythoughts before I get to the fun (travel pics!) part of the holiday.. But on the next post :p. Just let me go back to the loving bed in Singapore, sort all the decent pictures among thousands (yub 1000+) I have in the memory card, and then I shall put up a ‘professional travel diary’ post! Lol.

-Greed is destructive. Greed is consumtive. But you can always be humble at no price.

Don’t Trip On Me Right Now

Hello! Loving the recent 22C weather here. :)

Been wanting to blog, but got stuck with lots of lazing around. Anyway will be leaving for London then Rome later in the evening, hope everything goes smooth..Dad’s passport got soaked in laundry yesterday, it had the taste of detergent and softener. The UK visa page is hardly seen, so we went to the embassy to ask for advice. But yea right those tards won’t even bother to help you. They just stood there, going all  “Oh God, you can’t possibly use this Visa anymore” , “and I swore I saw the asshole that served us chuckled. Really? We were so frustrated and all you can do is destroy people’s expectation. I know I might be a bit biased, as it’s really an unfortunate accident. But you can at least show some proper compassion OR respect!

Enough with the rumbles, thankfully dad scanned the visa last week (i don’t know why he did it) the numbers, name and passport number are visible so there’s still a possibility that he can go on the trip. Praise the Lord! I really hope they can cut off some slack.. It’s not like we’re forging fake visa/passport. :(  Sigh talking about bad luck..

Been frantically searching Wi-Fi everywhere in HK, but none seems to work. Really, only now that i realize that I have been so depending on internet. I don’t know if i will be able to survive there without being connected to one. :/ Okay will be back after holiday! Dad is queuing for computer -_-

watch this space? cause Stich is.

-One two three spring!